The "fat friend" ......

Have you always felt like the "fat friend" in your circle of friends.....or felt insecure about your looks or your worth because you are overweight? ....or maybe your are more of an introvert because of the insecurities simply because sometimes it's  just easier to deal with it this way? Did you just settle for whatever and whoever because you didn't feel you deserved any better? Do your friends/family comment on your "pretty face" or how you would be much better if you where just a bit thinner. I'm sure you are familiar with all those "helpful" comments. 

Just a few  short years ago I have been there, I have felt the same way. I was one of those people who ate their feelings, who hid their numbing pain behind a big smile. I didn't understand why was I never good enough.....I was for the longest time one of those people who would rather cause damage to my own self than hurt others who did not have the same heartfelt courtesy for me. 

I came from a broken family, so from the very beginning I had to deal with a lot of issues that I couldn't understand nor should have dealt with at a very tender age. It left me crippled emotionally  from the very start. It's like I never had a chance to begin with. Although I will probably never forget some things..... I'm working on forgiveness, and not because things I need to forgive where okay to do or in some form or another justifiable. It had nothing to do with that. I need to forgive because it's the part of the path to my own happiness ......I cannot and don't want to hold on to poisonous negativity that more times than not took over my life......It was a vicious cycle and the worse I felt, the less I cared about myself, the more I ate and the bigger I got......and at some point I just gave up on myself. I thought "I was never skinny to begin with"..... So what's the point really? 

Until one day something just broke inside me and I realized I just couldn't go on like this any longer.I was no longer happy being someone who always settled for leftovers. I couldn't take another day of  having fake people in my life and trying to pretend I was happy and OK with it all.I wanted to truly find myself. I wanted to know what happiness really felt like.  I needed only genuine people around me, who truly connected and resonated with me and who I needed to be in life. Because I all of a sudden realized that I was in fact, truly very unhappy. This aha moment of mine hit me like a ton of bricks without any warning. I couldn't shake off the feeling that came over me. I felt like the life I was living all of a sudden was not my own. I felt like I didn't belong any longer. I tried to fight it off but the more I resisted the more I felt I needed to be very honest with myself....and others around me. I mean, what the heck was I running from? .....my own self! I decided enough is enough! I decided to actually feel my feelings and act on them instead of hiding behind closed doors and self medicating with food every time I was hurt.  I decided all those "helpful" people in my life needed to go.....and those included  some family and friends. It was anything but easy but....It was time to claim my own life back ....Since then over the last two years I lost 75 pounds ...all on my own! No magic pills or diets just hard work and persistence. Some days where better than others ......and it's still  very much work in progress. And the best part of it all .....I'm finally OK with my own self :). It makes me feel very emotional to be able to actually say that and really mean it. Though I feel like I have come a long way I am aware there is a long road ahead .....but I'm determined to make the best of it and just enjoy the ride. After all, I read somewhere that the best part of reaching anywhere was the actual journey.....that so far has proved to be true :)  

It took me a long time to realize  that me being overweight had absolutely nothing to do with hunger....as ridiculous as that sound. It took me years to figure such a simple fact out .....that at some point I was ready to punch myself in the face .....because I was in so much rage. I couldn't understand why was I so inclined in making myself pay for all the mistakes of other people in my life ....the things I had no control over, and still don't. Needles to say it took some seriously long soul searching on my part to really understand where my insecurities came from and why. I had to accept myself as I am. I had to learn to love myself for me .....i had to learn that sometimes being selfish is not always such a bad thing. I need to learn to recognize  the difference between physical hunger and the emotional one. had to learn that relationships are all about that delicate balance of equal amounts of give and take ......and that individuals who took more than they gave had no place in my life any longer. I had to learn how to be my very own best friend.....not my worst enemy. Once I came to realize all of these things I had no need to punish myself any longer. I finally understood and accepted that  I actually deserved better  ......and the weight started coming off because all of sudden that emptiness I kept trying to fill with food all of my life was suddenly going away.....and so was my need to overeat. 

You see, I have come to a realization that the mental change needs to begin to happen before any physical change can ever stand a chance when it came to weight loss. The decision has to be made ......and that has to happen from within. There is nobody else who can make that decision for you. No matter how much they try to sabotage your efforts or push you to loose weight. Once that happens priorities shift and lifestyle changes occur organically without planning. It is a very profound and powerful moment. 

The reason I'm posting this is first of all because I want you to know that you are not alone and secondly to let you know that the road to success takes persistence, effort, pain, sweat and tears ....but most of all love and respect for yourself. Once you decide to take that step .....nothing remains the same ....and that can be a scary thing. People will leave your life and you will be pushed out of your comfort zone ......but ultimately you will learn so much about yourself and your own strength .....and that will be the most empowering feeling you have ever felt.