Narcissistic personality disorder. The word in itself makes me cringe because it describes to perfection what I have been put through and what I am still fighting to survive and let go of. Up until few years ago I was completely oblivious that the term that described my mother's behavior so well even existed. I always thought I was at fault and that I somehow for one reason or another caused my own internal suffering. It wasn't until few years back (right around the time I began my weight loss journey), that I got intensely interested in pshicology books and by mere accident discovered the Narcassistic behavior disorder term.
In my blog I talk about all things that are beauty and fashion related. In all reality I suspect not many would expect me to talk about such a heavy, real and very personal topic. I think many would never admit they had such an issue. I have to admit I was hesitant about talking about this so publicly and openly at first. But I have come too far to give up. And if this helps someone even a little bit in their journey towards recovery and healing would make me truly happy and grateful. The more I learn and talk about the things like this .....the more strength I have to overcome my obstacles. For me, it's therapeutic in a way.
Apart from what I do ......I am a human being with struggles like anyone else. I think for some it's easy to forget about that when all they see and know about me is what I post so it's very easy to assume that my life is perfect and without any hurdles.
I always thought that beauty is more than a set of brushes or a new lipstick, it's more than a perfect shot/selfie or an amazing outfit of the day, it's much more than anything materialist or branded and superficial. It's being compassionate towards others. It is being thankful when you are struggling to find what to be thankful for. Beauty for me is true acceptance of who you are as a human being. It is accepting you strengths shortcomings, mistakes and weaknesses and those of others. It's about recognizing your own strength and using it to better yourself everyday. It's about finding something positive that keeps you moving when everything is falling apart. Beauty is being able to forgive what nobody else would. It's the ability to stand out and away from the crowd while being perfectly content in doing so and feeling proud of yourself and who you authentically are unapologetically. Beauty is being at peace with yourself no matter what goes on around you. Beauty is the ability to look at a person and truly see what's behind the smile, the words and actions ...... seeing what truly lies behind the outward looks. Beauty is seeing a person in his/her entirety ......not seeing only the parts you wish to see and accepting all of them as they truly are .....not just the parts of them you like. Beauty is accepting the complexity of human beings (yourself included) and accepting it for what it truly is. Beauty is seeking and only accepting the authenticity in everything and everyone around you and never settling for watered down versions...... Because of all these reasons and many more I have not mentioned here I dare to get so real in my blog and discuss real life issues we all have.
Few years back I was determined to loose weight and in order to do that I had to fight my own demons .....the ones that are inside my head that is. The ones that make me behave in the way I did, do the things I did repeatedly and think the way I did around food and how I deeply felt about myself. I was determined to figure out what exactly was the root cause of why I disliked myself so much.....what exactly was crippling me? Why couldn't I be happy? I wanted to know what was I doing wrong and how to fix it permanently this time around. I knew that in order to achieve weight loss I had to first change on the inside which turned out to be much harder to do than any physical change I was ever going to experience on the outside. I didn't want to lie to myself anymore......I think at that point in time I was just ready. Mentally, emotionally and physically ready ....for a serious life change. I refused to suffer any longer and just survive instead of live.
All of a sudden I stopped caring about my own excuses ....instead I had to find out the truth. The truth about my crazy dysfunctional family dynamics, the truth about how everything and everyone around me actually had an effect on who I was as a person.
The childhood is where most of our foundations for the most part are formed and we are shaped into people we become later in life. As we grow and develop what we learn and experience becomes essentially a part of each and every one of us. Of course, later on as we go trough life we add to our experiences and develop as human beings. We become more mature and more open to different perspectives as we acquire more knowledge as oppose to the one we all started out with as children or
young adults which was mostly influenced and shaped by our parents or people who where in charge of raising us.
Of course if a child is raised in healthy family environment with a strong foundation and support from both parents and family it has high chances of becoming a very successful adult later in life. However, when the tables are turned and they come from a broken and very dysfunctional family with no support from extended family members it becomes very hard for this individual to cope and they in most cases grow up with a whole host of issues and struggles they have to address before they can even move on and focus on anything else. I'm not going to say there are no exceptions to both sides, I will note though that those aren't many.
So as I was sitting there reading articles about how to overcome weight loss struggles mentally and make an infernal change.....at the same time I was also searching Amazon for self help books I could read to help me understand myself better and inspire me along the way. On the side of my screen where the purchase suggestions usually appear was a book that caught my attention. It is called WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH? Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride Ph. D.. What initially drew my attention was the "will I ever be good enough?" part of the title because to be frank I was wondering the same thing majority of the time I was around my mother, ever since early childhood. I read the rest of the title and began wondering what exactly is a narcissist? As I opened the free preview and read the first few pages of the book all I could repeatedly say was "OMG!, omg, omg, omg, OMG! ........I think that was my epiphany moment. The moment I discovered what I lived as a child and for most of my adult life was being described on the screen right in front of me. But it was just a preview and I needed to know more......I googled the words "narcissistic mother" and hundreds of articles and videos popped up. I was in literal shock. I couldn't believe what I was reading, hearing and seeing. I was both happy to know I was not alone and completely insane because there where hundreds of people out there who where and still are battling the same things I was and still am. However, I was also sad because I almost wished I didn't discover it .....I didn't want to admit it, acknowledge it or face it......because now I had to, there was simply no way out. I was sad because I had to accept that my mother had to do with everything negative in my life including my weight issues. It's hard for a child to grasp and truly believe such a thing about their
own mother because it simply goes against the grain. In our society we are always taught that mothers love their children. I think the first few days after discovering this I was not interested in anything else but reading and watching videos about narcissistic behavior disorder. I think it became somewhat of obsession of mine for a while there. I didn't want to accuse/think of anyone being narcissistic unless I was sure 100% beyond any reasonable doubt that was the case. In all actuality, I was looking for a reason or something that would convince me otherwise. Unfortunately I was unsuccessful. The more I learned about the narcissistic disorder the more I was convinced that my mom possessed every trait of it.
I was flooded by emotions the more I learnt about it. I felt guilty for one, because I was thinking the worst of my own mother. I mean, how could I? What type of a person was I? I felt hurt because I finally understood what she has done to me over time. I felt empowered because I knew what I had to do to overcome it. I felt happy because finally I was understood and there where people out there just like me. I was not alone. I felt pain because I knew the only way I was going to get better would be to completely cut contact with her.
I intent to write more about my personal experience dealing with my mother's narcissistic disorder further in this blog for sure in the very near future. This is just the part one. For now, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I invite you to look the term up and to be very honest with yourself about it. There are hundreds of re-sources out there to help you on your path of healing and recovery. The book I mentioned above ( WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH? Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride Ph. D.) is an excellent source to start with and I do highly recommend it. All you really have to do is .....take that first step. It might be the hardest and scariest step you ever took ......but rest assured it will be the best step you ever took towards a happy life you deserve to have.
To be continued......
Check out the Part 2 by clicking on the link below:
Take care,
Laila
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